Scotland

Originally posted on May 5th, 2010

My trip abroad has given me a new perspective. Its given me a glimpse out of this looping tunnel which has been spiraling down as of late, and has allowed me to get a better understanding of where the ‘new leadership’ views my role in the company. Its given me a better understanding of the man in charge, his vision, and though I’ll not venture to say my perceptions are entirely accurate, I don’t feel that I have time to find out. At this point I feel that its safe to say that the experience of working on the CS4 website, and the creative influence that I had on it will be diminished in the re-org of my team. I’ve felt it for awhile, but I could never pin-point what it was that made me feel unsatisfied with work. The alarm started to go off when, instead of looking forward to the work-week, I started looking forward to the weekends. It rang, when I sent out emails attempting to evoke change. Subconsciously I was sending a ‘feeler’ out, testing the water, and found it was tepid. As with every company I’ve worked with, finding when its ‘time’ isn’t as easy as waking up and ‘knowing’. It begins on an emotional level. You feel a nagging sense of discomfort. You have trouble sleeping. You find yourself doubting the influence of your work. The creative mind starts with a whisper and crescendos into a a scream for help, manifested in the form of depression. Deep down inside you realize that you’re not pushing yourself to your limits, and you hate yourself for it. Although the feeling is similar, there’s a difference between insecurity and self-doubt. Insecurity is the frustration one feels because they lack experience. Self-doubt comes from not knowing what it is that is holding you back from being who you were before -you have the experience and skill to do something, but you don’t have the direction nor the knowledge of where to go.

I previously criticized those mentors who I felt had ‘given up’ on doing great work, but now I realize that they just got tired. The older you get, the harder it is to keep up, and the easier it becomes to direct. That coupled with the monetary incentives has enough to let go. Why be masochistic about it, when you can be rich and comfortable?

Creation and innovation is hard work. Its emotionally-charged, and because of that, it’s unstable and exhausting to keep going. Unlike other things in life, the act of creation gets harder the older you become. Its easier for the young to find inspiration in life because they lack experience. They ‘see’ things that the older have become blind to. They have the energy to see things through. Their insecurity gives them this. It feeds the need to prove themselves to the world, and the end product is not only glorious, but exhilarating.

Going back to the older creators, I don’t want to give the impression of ‘jadedness’. For, even though some of us take that perspective, a lot of us want to continue to create. Whether its takes the form of enabling those who are inexperienced or taking the self-immolating path of pushing forward, is dependent upon the individual.

There’s a part of me which is feeling the exhaustion. Scales are forming cataracts over my ‘mental eyes’ and my path is harder to see. Its like being extremely tired and seeing a bed. It’d be so easy to fall upon it.